Odyssey
Where will your odyssey take you?
|
| | | Very... funny jokes :) |  |
| | | Author | Message |
|---|
LivDragon
Posts : 69
Join date : 2008-04-07
Location : United States, Virginia
|  Subject: Very... funny jokes :)  Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:25 am | |
| I have a lot of 'em. Though I'll alert if their dirty jokes (Pretty much all of 'em  ). (Usually you can make custom titles by doing [spoiler=Whatever] then the / box of the spoiler. Well you can't here  . I was gonna put non-dirty jokes as 'Safe' and the dirty ones as 'Dirty'. *sob* *sob*) - Spoiler:
A duck walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Do you got any pickles?"
The bartender replied, "No we don't"
The next day the duck came back and asked, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender replied annoyed, "I told you yesterday that we didn't, this is a bar we server booze and not pickles!"
Then the duck came back again the next day and asked, "Do you got any pickles?"
The bartender infuriated, yelled, "No! We don't have any pickles! If you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!" The duck shrugged and left.
The day after he came back again and asked, "Do you got any nails?"
The bartender confused replied, "No."
Then the duck looked him square in the eye and replied, "Got any pickles?"
The rest are dirty!- Spoiler:
What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
- Spoiler:
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......
- Spoiler:
A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
- Spoiler:
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
- Spoiler:
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
- Spoiler:
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
- Spoiler:
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
- Spoiler:
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
- Spoiler:
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
I got a lot more  ! Though I'll stop ... | |
| | | | Goodyboy313
Posts : 22
Join date : 2008-03-06
Age : 32
Location : NOYBW
| | Subject: Re: Very... funny jokes :) Mon Apr 07, 2008 1:49 pm | |
| | |
| | | | Aronos
Master
Posts : 132
Join date : 2008-02-22
Location : Odyssia xD or... California, U.S.A.
| | Subject: Re: Very... funny jokes :) Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:48 pm | |
| xD funny  | |
| | | | LivDragon
Posts : 69
Join date : 2008-04-07
Location : United States, Virginia
| | Subject: Re: Very... funny jokes :) Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:38 am | |
| Here are a couple more, they aren't really sexual ones. Though I think they're really good, and the best non-dirty jokes there are. There aren't many good non-dirty jokes... - Spoiler:
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."
- Spoiler:
A lawyer, a doctor, a priest, and a child are on a private jet. The jet has a serious problem and the pilot gets a parachute and says, "Yu' guys better bail ur' yu' gunna' die!" and proceeds to jump out. Now there are only three parachutes left, and the doctor rushes to get one and pronounces,"I'm a doctor, and I save lives! I deserve to have one!" and jumps. Then the lawyer gets one and says, "I'm a lawyer, the smartest people on Earth, I must get one!" and jumps. Finally the priest hands the last one to the child and says, "I've lived a long accomplished life, your young and can still prosper, you take this." The child hands it back and replies, "Oh no need to worry, the smartest man on Earth jumped with my book bag."
| |
| | | | LivDragon
Posts : 69
Join date : 2008-04-07
Location : United States, Virginia
| | Subject: Re: Very... funny jokes :) Thu May 08, 2008 10:11 am | |
|  :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. * * * * * * * * * A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. * * * * * * * * * 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. * * * * * * * * * Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." * * * * * * * * The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." | |
| | | | Sponsored content
| | Subject: Re: Very... funny jokes :) | |
| |
| | | | | | Very... funny jokes :) | |
|
Similar topics | |
|
| | Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| |
|
